Every time Christmas comes around, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness, I never really understood why this was, I just haven't known any different.
Last week at work I had the radio playing in the laundry, which promoted Christmas Carols, which I don't like!!! Some are okay, but when I hear them I get aggravated and angry; then callers would ring in saying how beautiful it was going to be to catch up with family and that's when the tears came.
All week, as soon as I stepped into my work station, I just wanted to cry, my eyes were moist all day, I felt a lump in my throat every time Christmas was mentioned, I had to put on a brave face at work, as I didn't want to have to explain the unexplainable...
After about of week of torment, it was then that I received a dream, this dream was like a Scrooge dream, I was taken back in time to when I was 5 years old, my earliest memory of my Mother back handing me to the floor and screaming "I wish you were never born!!!"
The dream travelled on to other events in my life that all happened in the Christmas season, not necessarily Christmas Day, but the season leading up to it and just after.
I was eventually thrown out of home at 13 years of age in October 1979, just before Christmas however, it was decided that I could go back home, I was loaded on a plane from Sydney and flown to Deniliquin airport, upon entering the terminal, a man in a suit approached me and my escort and said, that I wasn't allowed to go home, "They didn't want me back"...
All these circles represent traumatic memories of Christmas years throughout my life, I didn't realise I had never really overcome them, even now typing this, I am still crying.
Everyone of these circles represents a family member, none of these were from outsiders, bullies or enemies, they were from the ones who I thought were supposed to love me, this is why to this day I don't trust anyone.
When I first started drawing this, the meaning to me was that I have spent too long focusing on the wrong tree, I had been placing Christmas past in front of the cross, I felt condemned and guilty as I drew, then half way through, I suddenly looked at the picture I was creating, which I had really no idea how it was going to look, that there was another perspective.
My past has been nailed to the cross, Jesus died for my pain, torment, trauma, painful memories, abuse, being misunderstood, abandonment, rejection and so much more.
My family may not have wanted me, or not want me now, but Jesus does, He sees everything, He knows everything about me, when others only see through their perspective, so I trust Him more than ever now, to hold me up, restore me, love me for who I am, not what I can do for others.
This Christmas will only be the two of us, but I intend to make an effort this year to enjoy it, for it is not the quantity of people around you that makes it great, it's the quality of the person and my husband is the most amazing human I could have ever been blessed with this side of eternity.
He is a big trucker man, smattered with tattoos, has a very colourful past, is blunt, loves confrontation, sticks up for the underdog, that was me once!!, he rubs a lot of people the wrong way, as he sees right into people's souls and knows exactly what they need to hear and he doesn't hold back, that is what he has done for me, as painful as it was, I needed that in my life and that is why I am, where I am today, I couldn't have asked for a better man!!!
So this year I will try and smile, remember that those memories are nailed to the cross and the curse is broken.
I thank God for my gift of Drawing to Heal.
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